The letting go paradox

Have you ever heard of "maternal gatekeeping"? This refers to mothers who become so involved in their care work that the father is given neither space nor competence in this relationship. It is obvious that this is a very problematic term, which is strongly oriented towards heteronormative partnerships and interprets women as bearish know-it-alls. Today I want to talk about another kind of bouncer behavior that mothers very often display and that also had me in its grip for the first few months after my daughter was born. Only: Today we leave all fathers and other partners and other parents out of it and look in the mirror. We look ourselves in the eye and recall all the situations in which we as mothers* stood in our own way with our maternal gatekeeping.

My daughter is now eight months old and I have yet to reclaim even a fraction of what I somewhat dramatically call my "old life." Of course, it will never be exactly the same again anyway. That, among other things, was the idea behind having a child. But in fact I had a wild plan to be able to keep at least a handful of my old hobbies and passions. These include, among other things, a regular yoga practice and sports routine, a trip to the movies here and there, a social life, and generally just a little freedom.

Nothing wild, you might think. But I failed grandiosely. I can no longer tell you how many evenings I sat alone at home while my child slept and the rest of the world, including my partner, amused themselves outside.

I stopped counting at some point. After a pretty isolated pregnancy in the lockdown, it was even more bitter for me to also spend the summer from about 6pm mostly alone within my own four walls. Sure, we took our daughter to birthday parties in the park and went to restaurants. But a yoga studio, a bar and a large movie theater are just not places for babies. 

Drama, tears, self-pity. The whole program. I would, but I can't! I wish so, but I can't! Stunned, I looked at the Instagram stories of other moms I follow. She's going out? How does she do that, her baby is only four months old and she's breastfeeding? And she works in the morning? How is that possible, her daughter is two months old now if I'm not mistaken, what is her trick?

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not talking about mom shaming here, quite the opposite. I was incredibly jealous because I wanted that too - to meet friends, to be out and about without a baby, to go to a bar after 6pm. But no. I nagged my way through the day. 

And days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Until my partner's collar burst. The problem, he said to me one day, this is not our baby, this is you. Just do it! He was right.

He can also feed pumped or pre-milk. Only I gave up right after the first failed attempt. Attend a yoga class in the morning? Go for a walk alone? Sitting on the couch and just staring at the wall? Possible. I just have to schedule it in and ask my boyfriend to get through those two hours without me (a far less difficult endeavor than I had imagined).

Secretly, the problem all along was not my needy daughter, but me, who I couldn't let go of for even a minute, even though I wanted nothing more. It's really paradoxical, but I think that this feeling of wanting to let go but not being able to is a very fitting analogy of being a parent. 

I am aware that I have the incredible privilege of a partner who takes care of me immediately without hesitation and, above all, as a freelancer, has the time to do so. For many, even small breaks and time to breathe are harder to realize. So I definitely don't want to say with this article that as a mother* you just have to get over being in your own way and just pump away and enjoy the day. I want to encourage, where possible, to be selfish for a change and think only of yourself.

Not getting in your own way as a gatekeeper also has a lot to do with simply blocking out the demands of society. Parents are people with needs - and creating space (even if it's only five minutes) for these needs is so incredibly important.

The "old life" is gone, we don't need to talk about it. But life with a child never has to result in complete self-sacrifice.

I can't give an exact step-by-step plan for how I overcame myself and reclaimed at least some of my old routines for myself. It started with an hour or two after getting up that I claimed for myself. Mornings are also often when babies are at their (I'll call it) most sociable, right? A good time to leave them to the partner. We continued with evening bathtub sessions. Just switch off for an hour while someone else puts my daughter to bed.

Funnily enough, I didn't even like bathing that much before my daughter was born. Now, there's hardly anything more relaxing for me. A podcast to go with it, ciao.

I can now make appointments all day without worrying, because I know that my daughter is as happy with her father as she is with me. A topic, by the way, that according to my research is more likely to affect couples in which one parent is breastfeeding. The evening hours are still often mommy time. Especially when my daughter was teething and had a cold. But that's totally fine, I'm very very happy to be the comforting mommy there.

But I would have really liked to have dared to do more for myself again and demanded these times. For quite a while I struggled with my new role and was very unhappy. I still am. Impatient too. But on a path that brings me back into focus.

Also I would have loved a community and a platform like this one. A place that tells me it's OK to want to pack my bags and escape to Mallorca for three weeks. Alone. A place where I can meet other parents who have the same, similar or even completely different struggles as me. A feel better place that doesn't judge. Because that's what we want with our community here: To give you as parents a place to share, to tell you that you're doing great and that it's totally okay to just want to escape and sleep in for three weeks. Babybox is your savespace - from nagging to wellness. We pick you up.

In our case, putting her to bed was soon an easy job for my boyfriend thanks to pumped or pre-milk, though it did take a bit of practice. But it was worth it to stay on top of things and sit out my daughter's protests.

I can now make appointments all day without worrying, because I know that my daughter is as happy with her father as she is with me. A topic, by the way, that according to my research is more likely to affect couples in which one parent is breastfeeding anyway. The evening hours are still often mommy time. Especially when my daughter was teething and had a cold. But that's totally fine, I'm very very happy to be the comforting mommy there.

But I would have really liked to have dared to do more for myself again and demanded these times. For quite a while I struggled with my new role and was very unhappy. I still am. Impatient too. But on a path that brings me back into focus. Also would have loved a community and a platform like this one. A place that tells me it's OK to want to pack my bags and escape to Mallorca for three weeks. Alone. A place where I can meet other parents who have the same, similar or even completely different struggles as me. A feel better place that doesn't judge. Because that's what we want with our community here: To give you as parents a place to share, to tell you that you're doing great and that it's totally okay to just want to escape and sleep in for three weeks. Babybox is your safe space - from nagging to wellness. We'll pick you up.